Couples Camp Was Great…Now What?

This year, my wife, Burgundy, and I joined a thousand-plus other couples for two days of camping and recalibrating our marriage in the woods. This retreat, Couples Camp, has existed for nearly a decade and gives married couples a chance to focus exclusively on their relationship—the good, the bad, and the yikes—and see what God has in store for them.

Burgundy and I have been married almost nine years, and with two kids and endless other responsibilities adding up, we had started feeling like ships passing in the night. Perhaps you’ve been there: Each weekday is filled with eight hours of work, at the end of which you go home to your second, unpaid job supervising homework, dinner time, de-contaminating the kitchen after dinner time (most common, though not exclusive to families who feed toddlers spaghetti), bath time, story time, and then, finally, bed time.

If you’re lucky, the kids are down with enough time to net you one or two hours of “free time,” which Burgundy and I noticed we were spending alone. Not that there’s anything wrong with an evening to yourself (in fact, some nights it’s a necessity), but eventually, we noticed we almost preferred it that way. It was just easier. Not healthier, but easier.

Burgundy and I had been to Couples Camp shortly after we were first married. We enjoyed it, though camping isn’t Burg’s idea of a relaxing weekend. Which is why I was shocked—and elated—when she suggested we sign up for another go around. We’d not camped together for years, and having two days to ourselves (well, along with a few thousand others) sounded heavenly.

And it was. For two days, we had the time and space to focus on ourselves and our marriage. We had overdue conversations about times we’ve felt overwhelmed and isolated by day-to-day responsibilities. We each shared times we felt underappreciated by the other, and were reminded of the importance of supporting each other. And we realized that dates must include more than dinners without the kids. We needed to find a way to spend time and have fun together. Who knows where that could lead?

It was exactly what we needed: No phones distracting us, the kids being safely at grandma’s, and the intangible transparency of talking around a campfire. We were given a chance to put words to the pains we had been feeling and identify unmet needs (we’d not been on a real date in months). Most importantly, it reminded us why we chose to get married in the first place, and was a chance for us to re-commit to our family motto: “We Can Do Hard Things.”

Reality Bites

Then, it was back to reality in the blink of an eye. Couples Camp ended, and we went home to our (genuinely) lovely six and one-year-old children, who were eager to make up for the multiple days without their parents by crawling all over us. Being home also meant though that there was a car full of gear that smelled like a campfire and needed to be washed, all of the other laundry from the previous week, the dishwasher not working (Googling “Failure to drain” did nothing), the spot in the foundation that’s leaking, the grass that needs to be cut and fertilized…the list goes on.

An hour after we got home, I asked Burgundy if we should just go live in the woods. (She did think about it for a second before saying no.)

A Time for Breaks, A Time for Work

Now what? That question, hinting at the deeper one, stared us straight in the face: How do we turn the dreams and visions for our marriage that we discussed all weekend into reality?

The problem wasn’t the break Couples Camp provided, as if it offered a distorted promise of what life and marriage could be like back home (Scripture tells us that God rested after creating the heavens and the earth, and he compels us to do the same). But the same way we can’t expect one hour a week in church to be the glue that connects us to God for the next six and a half days, those of us who felt refueled by Couples Camp can’t expect two days in the woods to be the only fine-tuning our marriages needed for the year.

So If you, like us, returned home trying to figure out how to capitalize on what you learned at Couples Camp (or are just seeking to grow in your marriage regardless of the current season), here are three keys that have helped us to seek one another out more consistently, deeply, and intentionally—in the ways God taught us all to do.

1. Fight For, Maybe “Die” For Your Spouse

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it.” (Ephesians 5:25)

One of the ironies of marriage is how quickly—and easily—it is to make my spouse my last priority. (Be honest—you feel this temptation, too.) Having two jobs and two kids means Burgundy and I have a line of people waiting and depending on us from the moment we get up in the morning. We have bosses and co-workers depending on us to do our jobs well, allowing us to provide for our family. And before and after work, our kids depend on us for…everything.

So at the end of the day, without any gas left in the tank, it’s hard to have anything left to give each other. This is why it’s tempting for Burgundy and I to spend our last hours of the day alone, or to talk to each other in ways we never would to anyone else. But I don’t believe this is how it’s supposed to be.

Jesus died for humanity (the church), and he compels husbands to have the same kind of love for their wives. I don’t think that necessarily means men should prepare to fight for our wives John McClane style; instead, we ought to ask ourselves each day, “How can I serve my wife?”

I’ve learned that means I’m prepared to feed the kids and clean the kitchen on my own so that Burgundy can get some time to herself at the end of the day. It means never saying “No” if she asks for a foot rub, or even me offering them up without being asked. It means rinsing out recyclable items before they go into the recycling bin. Is the last one important to me personally? No—it feels like I’m just washing the trash before throwing it away. But it’s important to her, so it needs to be important to me.

Does this take work on my part? Yes (again—I’m literally cleaning the trash). Does it often go against my selfish nature that wants my marriage to be about me feeling good? You bet. But at the end of the day, I’ve seen our marriage flourish most when my primary objective is to set my wife up to flourish. Plus, it’s less work than defending a skyscraper from German terrorists, so I’m getting off easy compared to Bruce Willis.

2. Find and Lean On Community

“As iron sharpens iron so one person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17)

One of the best parts of Couples Camp is campfire time—hours spent around the fire sharing what’s actually going on within your marriage. For some couples, this is one of the only times they’ve had to share the difficult things about marriage and hear from others who have navigated similar challenges.

It’s incredibly refreshing to know you’re not alone dealing with struggles in your marriage and that there are people who can help you. We’re not meant to navigate life by ourselves, and often it helps to have an outsider’s perspective to help challenge and encourage us.

Unfortunately, losing touch with these people is easy once Couple Camp ends. After returning home, Burgundy and I used our camp’s group text to check in on our friends. It was important that the support our group offered each other around the fire extend beyond the weekend. Despite busy schedules, we also try to find time with friends and other couples to continue the kind of honest conversations around the campfire.

Along with the support we get from friends, Burgundy and I are doing couples therapy. Not because we’re in crisis or on the brink of divorce, but because we want to do all we can to strengthen our marriage. I know the idea of seeing a counselor in any context may seem uncomfortable. For us, short-term discomfort is worth the payout of a stronger marriage.

All in all, this kind of community pushes us to be better in our marriage and be held accountable for the spouse we are being. In isolation, living things wither. In the light, they can flourish.

3. Don’t Forget Date Night (or Date Time)

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. (Proverbs 18:22)

If I genuinely believe my marriage is a gift from God, then having a regular, private time to invest in one another isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity. I know my wife and I need time to relax, play with each other, and keep a pulse on how we’re doing. Chances are, great dates are part of why we fell in love with our spouse in the first place, so why wouldn’t we want to find time for more?

It may not be feasible to get out of the house every week (it’s not for us, at least not now). So while date night may not be on the table during this season, date time is always possible. We often find something simple and fun to do together: Play a game, share a cocktail, or do something that reminds us why we committed ourselves to each other in the first place, all while the kids are asleep or with family or a sitter.

We also make sure to ask each other about what’s going on deep down—how our hearts are feeling, what we’re anxious about, and what we’re excited about. If my relationship with my wife comes only second to my relationship with God, I’d better invest consistently in its prosperity. If I don’t, the usual (often good) suspects begin to take her place—work, kids…the NFL…

(Amateur tip: As much fun as watching a movie or show together sounds, try to find something more collaborative. Unless the plan is to make out through the movie, in which case, God bless.)

Fighting the Good Fight

Full disclosure: Burgundy and I don’t yet have a fleshed-out, fairy tale “before-and-after Couples Camp” story. We’re still figuring out what our new routines look like—our first date night involved a game of Scrabble, most memorable for a debate over whether “Yeoman” is a word (it is, for what it’s worth, but she won anyway).

As I’ve pressed into my marriage more intentionally, though, new convictions and nudges continue to pop up. I recently noticed that we always prayed together while dating, and after we got married, we just…stopped. If I hadn’t become more engaged in these other parts of our relationship, who knows if that push would’ve entered my heart and mind? So now, even if the prayer is along the lines of “God, thank you for getting us through today alive; please bless the coffee and Celsius in the morning because, as you know, we’ll need them,” I’m going to start moving forward in this way, too.

Getting in and staying in the new routines we committed to will take work—work at planning date nights, work at speaking kindly to each other, work at identifying and doing tasks that make the other person’s life easier. That work is necessary to avoid distance from creeping back in, and allows our marriage to flourish as God designed it to.

I don’t know if rinsing the recycling before it goes into the recycling bin will save the planet. Still, if that tangible action shows Burgundy that I love her more than the actual words, then I’m excited for what it will do for our marriage. Here’s to those of us stumbling along, following God’s example, and wanting more for our family now—and for generations to come.

Disclaimer: This article is 100% human-generated.

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